Rachel aimlessly walked through her house. It was so quiet. Jamie had been in bed about an hour, and while she was exhausted, sleep just wouldn’t come.
Her family had stayed with her for a week after Jim’s memorial service. She loved having them here but was relieved when they left. She wouldn’t have to put on her brave face for them anymore.
Rachel wanted to hibernate with Jamie and forget the outside world existed for just a little while.
After pacing her bedroom for a bit she made her way down the stairs into the kitchen to brew a cup of hot tea. Maybe this will help me sleep.
Waiting for the tea to steep, she looked out the window into the back yard. It was a peaceful night. There were stars in the sky, and a big bright moon.
Patch walked up beside her and butted his head against her leg to let her know he was there too.
Rachel bent to scratch his ears and kissed the top of his head.
“You miss him too.” She told the old dog.
Patch thumped his tail once on the floor then moved to the corner that was reserved for him and he lay down heavily.
Rachel t9ook the tea bag from her mug and tossed it into he trash.
She didn’t know what she was going to do. She couldn’t concentrate enough to read. She surely couldn’t sleep. Her dreams were filled with visions of green eyes and bright smiles that weren’t there when she awoke. And that was too much to deal with now.
Rachel wandered aimlessly through the house. Jim was everywhere. While she took comfort in that in a way, she found it disturbing too.
There were so many memories of Jim. Good, wonderful memories, but they were painful too. Knowing that there weren’t going to be any new ones made with him. Knowing that Jamie would not remember his father broke her heart in ways she didn’t think was possible. As always when her thoughts turned to this, the tears formed and trickled down her cheeks.
Rachel sat down on the couch and clutched one of the burgundy accent pillows to her chest and had a good cry.
It wasn’t fair that such a strong, vibrant man was taken so early in his life. Jim still had his whole life ahead of him. There were things they still wanted to do together that now they would never have the chance.
Rachel cried for Jim.
The kids at the school lost their head master and role model. They felt that loss too, she knew. They were moving on with Mart taking over Jim’s duties, but it wasn’t the same.
She cried for her son, who was never going to know the man who had given him life. The man who loved that baby, and who had big plans for Jamie as he grew up. Jim planned to teach his son all of the things that his father had taught him. Now, he couldn’t.
Rachel cried for her. ‘She and Jim had plans of their own. They were going to be together ‘til death do us part’, but they never dreamed it would separate them so early in their lives. There were children left to be had. They had many more anniversaries to celebrate together. She would never roll over in the morning and see Jim’s sleepy eyes open or his smile when he saw her.
She would never feel his soft, warm lips on hers again. Never make love to the man who had stolen her heart instantaneously that September night.
Rachel cried into that pillow and yearned for his strong arms to wrap around her and comfort her as only he could do.
But, that would never be again.
The sun rose, and Rachel was still sitting there on the couch clutching that pillow. The memories were still haunting her.
Sounds from Jamie came across the monitor sitting beside her and she dried her tears and blew her nose.
It was a new day. She needed to take care of Jamie now. Rachel got up from the couch and walked up the stairs, trying not to think about the fact that this was another day she was alive and Jim wasn’t.
The days all ran together for Rachel, especially that first week she was alone with Jamie.
Matt and Maddie stopped by every other day to see how she was and ask if she needed anything. After this most recent visit, Maddie clicked her tongue as they left Rachel’s house.
“She isn’t sleeping! Did you see those dark circles under her eyes?”
“Yes, I did, Maddie. Maybe Brian can take a look at her and give her something to help her sleep. I’ll call him when we get home.” Matt promised.
Brian was concerned about Rachel himself and quickly promised to see her that evening. He said he’d send Honey over in the meantime.
Honey rang the door bell and patiently waited on the step for Rachel to open the door.
Nothing prepared her for the exhausted, gaunt features of her sister in law.
Rachel managed a smile for Honey when she greeted her.
“Honey, it’s good to see you. Come in, please.”
Honey stepped across the threshold and saw the house had fallen into slight disarray.
Rachel hadn’t picked up any of Jamie’s clothes or toys. The things were scattered around the room. This wasn’t like Rachel. She was the type of person who would stay up later at night just to make sure everything was completely picked up and every dish was washed.
Rachel led her into the kitchen. There were dishes stacked in the sink.
From the brief glance that Honey gave them, she could see Jamie’s dishes and coffee mugs but no other dishes or pans to suggest that Rachel had been eating regularly.
She silently sighed. Honey felt guilt wash over her because she had stayed away dealing with her own grief, not giving any more thought to Rachel’s.
Rachel offered her tea but she declined.
“Rachel, is Jamie asleep?” Honey asked.
Rachel nodded and sipped her lukewarm tea.
“Yes he is. He had a lively visit with Grandma and Grandpa this morning, and it wore him out.”
Honey watched Rachel closely. Her eyes did have the dark circles that her father had told Brian about. Rachel’s long hair was tied back haphazardly in a pony tail. Honey could see it was tangled and snarled around the band holding the hair. Rachel wore sweat pants and a ragged T shirt that looked like she had been wearing it for a few days now.
“How have you been Rachel? I’m sorry I haven’t gotten over here to visit with you before now.”
Rachel waved her hand. “Oh Honey, that’s ok. We have all been dealing with it. I didn’t expect you to visit”
“Rachel, why don’t you take advantage of Jamie sleeping and take a shower and I will find something for you to eat.”
“I’m not hungry, Honey.”
“Well, you need something to keep your strength up, if not for you then for Jamie. He doesn’t need you to be sick now too.”
Rachel closed her eyes in resignation and sighed.
“Ok, I will be back in a few minutes.”
“Take your time.” Honey called after her.
Honey walked over to the refrigerator and opened it to reveal baby food jars, but nothing that remotely resembled ‘grown up’ food.
Honey needed reinforcements. She quickly dialed the number for Crabapple Farm.
Trixie answered on the third ring and Honey explained the problem. Trixie hung up promising that she and Moms would take this task in hand and be up there as soon as possible.
Trixie immediately called Di and let her in on their plan to help Rachel. Di also promised to help out and made a brief list of groceries to pick up for Rachel.
Helen Belden hearing what Honey had to say, immediately began to pull kettles and pans from her cupboards and she and Trixie got to work.
An hour later Trixie and Helen were on Rachel’s door step, waiting for someone to answer the door bell.
Rachel took a long shower and took the time to brush out her long hair. She couldn’t even remember when she had last done that. She put a clean t shirt on and grabbed a pair of jeans. In her bare feet she left her bedroom, stopping briefly to listen at Jamie’s door for sounds of his awakening. Hearing none, she went down stairs.
Honey was in the kitchen tidying up a bit. Actually, Rachel mentally amended, a lot. She had the dishes done and the counters sparkling. The floor had been swept and looked freshly mopped.
“Oh, Honey you didn’t have to clean up after me!”
Honey smiled sweetly at her.
“I wasn’t cleaning up after you. I was helping my sister in law out. You have a lot on your mind. If I help you out a little, then you can devote more time to my nephew and not worry about this stuff.”
The door bell rang and Rachel moved to open the front door. Di stood on the other side of the door juggling two large grocery bags.
“Di, what have you got there?” Rachel asked taking one of the bags.
“Just some groceries. I thought you wouldn’t want to be going shopping and I did it for you. It isn’t too much, just a few basics.”
Rachel led the way into the kitchen, setting her bag on the counter. Honey and Di greeted each other. Rachel stepped back and eyed the duo suspiciously.
“Honey cleaned up my kitchen and Di brought me groceries. Where is Trixie? Didn’t she have a hand in this somewhere?”
Just then the door bell rang again. Rachel looked from Di to Honey.
Both girls opted for the angelic look and smiled sweetly at Rachel.
“You should probably answer that.” Diana suggested.
Rachel turned around and retraced her steps to the door. Opening it she found Trixie and Helen Belden on her door step. On their hands, they wore oven mitts that were holding onto steaming dishes that smelled wonderful.
Rachel hadn’t eaten in so long that her stomach growled and every one heard it.
“We are just in time!” Trixie laughed.
Rachel managed a small smile, and waved them in. Rachel looked around the front yard before closing the door. I wonder how many more Bob Whites and their family members are going to show up here today!
Helen was explaining to the girls that they could start on the first casserole. It was done and there was plenty for everyone.
Honey quickly brought out the plates, while Helen and Trixie finished unloading the car, and joined them.
Helen put things away into the freezer and explained to Rachel that each item was labeled and she could take them out and defrost them whenever she wanted them.
Rachel nodded, in a daze. Trixie set a plate in front of her with the steaming tuna casserole. Rachel looked down at it.
She loved Helen’s tuna casserole, but her stomach churned a bit at the sight of the food. She reluctantly slid into her seat and Honey set a glass of Iced Tea in front of her too.
The other women each made themselves a plate and they joined her at the table. Rachel sipped her tea and smiled at the women.
“You have no idea how much I appreciate all of this. It- It’s been very hard for me.” Rachel’s eyes filled with tears and Helen reached out to grasp her hand.
She squeezed it and said, “Rachel, dear, that is what friends are for.”
Rachel nodded and wiped her eyes.
“I feel like I have been in limbo. I just manage to take care of Jamie. Every thing else tends to get lost by the wayside.”
“That’s how it should be. But take care of yourself too.” Diana said.
Rachel nodded.
“You are exhausted, sweetie, eat your lunch then you can lay down for a bit.” Helen told her.
Rachel quietly picked up her fork and nibbled on the first bite. It tasted good but her stomach had been too long without food and didn’t allow her to eat more than a few bites.
The others had watched her and decided to take it one step at a time.
After their lunch, Trixie, Di and Honey started the dishes and Helen took Rachel by the hand into the living room.
“Thank you for today, Mrs. Belden.”
“It’s Helen, and you are very welcome. Matt and Maddie are worried about you too, but they didn’t want to push.”
“They are so wonderful. I don’t know what I would do without them.” Rachel smiled sadly.
Rachel took a deep breath and sat down into the corner of the couch, holding that same accent pillow to her body. Her fingers played with the edge of the pillow and Helen waited patiently, knowing the young woman had something on her mind.
“I never thought it would be this hard.” Rachel whispered. She raised her eyes to look at Helen and they were filled with tears.
“I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through, Rachel, but we all loved Jim, and we all miss him in our own way. We support each other the best we can. Let us support you too.”
Rachel nodded and reached for the tissue box on the table.
“Now, you should try to get some rest. We are here to take care of Jamie if he wakes. You aren’t going to be any good to him if you collapse from exhaustion.”
Rachel knew Helen was right. She slowly got up and made her way to the bottom of the stairs.
“Thank you again.” She said.
Helen waved her on and Rachel walked slowly up the stairs.
“She went to lay down?” Trixie asked her mother from the kitchen doorway.
“Yes, thank goodness.” Helen sighed and faced her daughter. Her blue eyes were brimming with tears. “This whole situation is heart breaking. First, we deal with the shock of losing Jim. And Rachel is taking it the hardest. It is so sad; they were just beginning their life together as a family.”
Tears ran down Trixie’s cheeks. Wiping them roughly with the back of her hand, she said, “I know Moms. It isn’t fair that Jim died. He was too good, too strong. I don’t think any of us is ever going to get over this.”
Helen moved to Trixie’s side and embraced her in a motherly way of comfort.
“Oh, Trixie. No, we won’t get over it. But we will learn how to accept it and live with it. The pain will lessen with time.”
Trixie cried harder into her mother’s shoulder.
“Moms, do you think he is watching us from heaven? Do you think he will be able to watch Jamie grow up?”
“I believe he will and that he is watching over them. They have their own very special angel in heaven.” Helen smoothed Trixie’s hair back from her face when she raised it.
“I wish he was here. Taking care of them and of us, like always.”
“We all do, honey. We all do.” Helen patted her daughter’s cheek and handed her a tissue.
“I guess we’d better get to work, huh?” Trixie asked after blowing her nose.
Helen agreed and they joined Honey and Di in the kitchen to plan out their strategy for getting Rachel’s house back into order.
Honey finished the kitchen, and Di moved into the laundry room to start the washing machine.
They all spread out through the house and cleaned, polished and mopped. They vacuumed, dusted and straightened.
When Jamie woke, Honey got him up and changed. On her way to take him downstairs for a late lunch, she peeked into Rachel’s room and saw her resting on the bed clutching a pillow. Honey closed the door quietly so as not to wake her, and took Jamie downstairs.
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